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You tell him, Dan!

Was directed to this advice column (emphasis mine) via a Babeland tweet:

Buzz Kill
January 22, 2009
By Dan Savage

I love the wife I married two years ago, but she absolutely can't come unless she uses a vibrator on herself. She's asked me to let her use it during sex or for me to use it on her, but I've refused. It's bad enough knowing I can't compete with that thing without having to look at it.

Let's Insert My Prick

Yeah, yeah, LIMP, you can't compete. Like a lot of other men, you've fallen in love with a woman who needs intense, focused stimulation in order to come, the kind of sensation that hands, fingers, tongues, and cocks just can't provide—a woman who requires a vibrator. Now let's take a little time to grieve, shall we?

Time's up.

Now stop being such a douchebag about this, LIMP, and go ask the wife to show you just how to hold the vibrator and just where to apply pressure so that you—YOU!—can start giving her orgasms during sex. See the vibrator as a tool, moron, not a threat. If you love your wife and want her to stay married to you, LIMP, get on the proverbial stick. Because if being with you means going without orgasms during sex for the rest of her life—all because she was foolish enough to marry an insecure bag of slop who refuses to do what needs to be done to get her off—then your wife just might decide to be with someone else.

And now an important message for all straight guys everywhere: Some women need vibrators to get off. Why? Well, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that most of a woman's clitoral tissues are inside her body; the exposed part of her clitoris is just the tip, comparable to the head of your penis. Now imagine if the shaft of your penis were buried inside your body, guys. You might need the help of a vibrator to get off then, too; you might need a tool that could stimulate your shaft through layers of skin and muscle and fat. We've been over and over this since the early 1990s, fellas, and there's no excuse anymore for freaking out about your wife/girlfriend/mom needing a vibrator, okay?

Isis

I appreciate an impressively-packaged product, and the Isis from Emotional Bliss certainly qualifies. When I saw the box, I thought I'd been shipped the wrong vibrator, because an itty bitty finger vibe couldn't possibly need such a big box. In truth, the box is at least twice the size it needs to be. But it's nifty, and it makes you feel like you're getting more for your money. Still, it's wasteful. See how wishy-washy I am on this matter?

Inside was the Isis vibe (a rechargeable fingertip number), three sizes of interchangeable finger clips, (from the teeny pinkie-sized to the "one-for-the-thumb" Steelers variety) the charging adapter, two 30ml bottles of lubricant (one water-based, one silicone), and a very entertaining instruction booklet. The booklet claims that the 80Hz at which the Isis vibrates is the "proven frequency to stimulate orgasm." I found this most amusing, for some inexplicable reason. The website further clarifies: "80Hz - the speed suggested to be the most likely to stimulate orgasms in women aged 18-30" (recommending its big sister, the Chandra, for women over 30 because it vibrates at 110Hz). Well, I'm 45, so I'm not quite sure whether my word should be trusted on the efficacy of this product. After all, I'm a decade and a half past the target orgasm demographic.

Now, according to a Medscape article touting the benefits of "vibration anesthesia" *eek* prior to BoTox injections, the Hitachi Magic Wand works at 5,000 or 6,000 vibrations per minute (83 Hz or 100 Hz), and I can assure you that the Isis doesn't feel anywhere NEAR as powerful. I can also assure you that my Hitachi has only anesthetized me in terms of a post-orgasmic rush of oxytocin bliss. YMMV. This intrepid researcher is of the opinion that it's the amplitude, rather than the frequency, that makes a toy super extra special. The Isis buzzes like a bullet vibe, which is about all a reasonable person can expect from a motor that size. (FYI: Of the smallest products, I think the We-vibe has the strongest vibration.)

The website claims: It is practically silent and is fully rechargeable so it can run for 2-3 hours – plenty of time to reach that ultimate orgasm. I'm sorry, but I don't know anyone who has the time OR the energy to masturbate for 2-3 hours in search of an orgasm. Maybe I'm greedy, but if a toy hasn't gotten me off within 20 minutes, I'm calling in the artillery (under the command of General Hitachi).

The lubes aren't anything worth writing home about. They claim to be tasteless. While they weren't (to me), they also weren't repulsive.

Bottom line? If you can get off with a bullet vibe solo, then you can get off with the Isis solo. However, what's neat about the Isis is that it's rechargeable. I cannot stand those button batteries, and I primarily avoid bullet vibes for that reason. And, it's got that nifty finger clip which makes playing with lube sooooooo much easier. Ever try to hang on to a slippery bullet vibe? It's a challenge.

Partner play, however, is where the Isis can really shine. Super convenient, easy to power on or off, won't get in the way or interrupt the flow of the action. It just provides that extra little boost of stimulation to add to the excitement.

Until next time,

peace & passion,

~ Alessia

Here's what Babeland has to say:

The smallest rechargeable finger-fitting vibrator in the world offers mild vibration—great for massage, masturbation and getting you over the top in partner sex. You can try all three in one session since the Isis holds a charge for up to three hours. Includes several different finger-ring sizes so it's easy to share. A top-quality vibrator: excellent for first-timers, quiet, and very portable. Blue and white. Includes international converter for charger. Speed is 80 Hz. Please refer to our return policy for this product.

• Size: 2-1/2" x 3/4"
• Material: Non-porous TPE plastic
• Volume:
• Intensity:
• Batteries: Rechargeable

Emotional Bliss products are wildly popular in Europe but are only available through select channels in the USA. Babeland is one of the chosen purveyors of the range.

The Fix (leather thigh harness)

I've been a bad girl. (So, I'll spank you later. *wink* Erm, yeah.) I've had The Fix leather thigh harness by Outlaw Leather in my toy box for weeks awaiting review, and I've procrastinated. Big time. Oh, it's not that I haven't played with it. I certainly have. It's just that I keep thinking that there's another position or another way I want to kick its tires before I post a review. I decided last night that the possibilities are endless and that I'd just have to buckle down and write the damned review, incomplete as it may be.

First things first: LEATHER. Leather is just so yummy, and The Fix is no exception. The smell alone is arousing. It's not as supple as the Jaguar, but it's not as stiff & scratchy as a $9.98 belt from Wal-Mart, either. It's sturdy, and sturdy is definitely an attribute one wants when driving a dildo. Plastic parachute buckles are for backpacks, not strap-ons! You don't want your harness to fall off mid-fuck and send you careening off the sexual superhighway like a Corvette that's blown a tire.

Second: POSITIONING. Talk about flexibility! You can get mega creative with this puppy, even when flying solo. You'll never look at your exercise bike the same way. Trust me on this one. For those with impaired mobility, The Fix offers satisfying alternatives to conventional sex positions. Side-lying, in particular, is both intimate and intense. Let your imagination soar -- and your orgasms will follow.

Third: FIT. The straps are joined by a pair of metal rings, so they're infinitely adjustable and plenty long enough, even for the biggest thighs. Once on and sufficiently tightened against bare flesh, the harness is not going to slip. It might rotate a bit, though, with more vigorous action. That's not an issue with lapdance-style thigh fucking, but it comes into play when thrusting. As with any strap-on, practice and technique will overcome that. Practice is very enjoyable, too. *grin*

Of note: SQUEEZE. If you're a woman who tends to be preoccupied by how she looks during sex, be prepared to not like the fleshy bulges that The Fix causes when tightened around your thigh. In order for it to be secure, you have to pull those straps tight -- and when you do, even the thinnest thigh is gonna bulge. Close your eyes and deal. It's worth it. (Putting the harness over jeans does ameliorate this issue, but then you're clothed, and access to your own slippery pink parts is limited. Life is one fucking compromise after another, pun intended. You have to decide what's more important to you as fucker or fuckee.)

And let's face it, thigh fucking is all kinds of awesome for both gals and guys. Until I received The Fix my experience was limited to a stretchy, neoprene thigh harness. For an inexpensive product, something like the Lap Dancer is wonderful. However, it lacks the snaps and O-rings that allow The Fix to accept a wide variety of dildos. As someone who owns said wide variety, that makes me oh-so-blissfully happy.


Until next time...

peace & passion,

~ Alessia

Here's what EdenFantasys, who graciously provided the product for review, has to say:

Take a new direction in the world of harness play with this premium, leather thigh harness from Outlaw Leather™. Made of top-notch high-quality leather, this sturdy and durable harness fits snugly over the thigh for a new and interesting way to play with your harness compatible dildos. The central pad is cut specifically to comfortably fit over the thigh, with extra-long adjustable straps to accommodate most sizes. Solid metal rivets and brass D-rings double the safety and strength of the piece, with a large 2" in diameter brass O-ring in the center to house the dildo.

Product code: OL7020202
Type: Leg harness
Closure: Buckle
Material: Metal / Leather
Length: 10"
Width: 8 1/2"
Dildo holder diameter: 2"
Weight: 1 lb
Special Features: Kinky

Hot Heart Massage Set

I was skeptical. I thought it was a cheap gimmick but, much to my surprise, this thing is cool. I mean, it's hot. And it's on sale, too! The fluid-filled heart contains a little metal disk that you flex to active the stuff that gets hot. Then, for the next 20-30 minutes, it's like a little heating pad. Add a bit of the lovely massage oil that comes with it, and you have the recipe for relaxation.

The first time I tested this product, I was alone. I crawled in bed, got comfy, activated the disk thingy, and rubbed the hot heart over my sore shoulders. I wanted to time how long it stayed hot, but the next thing I knew, it was morning.

So, I boiled the heart for 7 minutes (per the instructions) to re-set the... whatever it's called inside there and, once it cooled, asked my partner to help me test it again. I received a vigorous back massage, and the heart stayed hot for a good 10 minutes after my partner ran out of steam.

My only complaint is that the edges of the heart can be kinda rough if you don't hold it just right. The oil helps, of course, but the manufacturer could work on design improvement there. I tried to research the company (Lover's Choice), because I'd like to buy more of the light, citrus massage oil that was included in the package, but the website was not responding.

It's a wee bit of a pain to boil the heart to re-set it, but that's a minor inconvenience. I plan to keep this handy and ready for use, right next to the other go-to products on my nightstand.

Until next time...

peace & passion,

~ Alessia

Here's what Babeland has to say:

Make your next massage warmer (and hotter!) with the steamy Hot Heart Massager. A five-inch, heart-shaped PVC pack heats up when you flex the small metal disc inside. Sprinkle on a few drops of the included three-ounce fragrant Citrus Blossom Massage oil and indulge in a relaxing, deep heat massage that soothes tired muscles and wakes up erogenous zones. First-aid packs and hand warmers function on the same heating principle: by flexing the metal disc you create a chain reaction that causes the pad to crystallize, and then heat up to about 130 degrees. The heart holds heat for thirty minutes and can be reactivated in boiling water. Note that if the heart massager arrives crystallized, just melt in boiling water and let cool before reheating to use. Includes a mini massage guide. Note that this toy is not a vibrator, and is not recommended for use on the genitals.

• Size: 5" x 5"
• Material: PVC

Good Clean Love

This line of water-based lubricants touts itself as "all natural." Okay. What exactly does the word "natural" mean in this context? To me, "natural" means a substance that occurs in nature without the interference of a chemist and a laboratory. With an ingredients list that includes deonixed water, lactoperoxidase, glucose oxidase, and benzoic acid, I kinda doubt my definition applies. That leaves me wondering just how the word "natural" DOES apply to these ingredients. I mean, if a chemist in a laboratory is required, then damned near anything and everything made from ingredients found on our planet qualifies as natural, as well.

This line of products also claims to be 99.99% vegan. Now, do they really think that minuscule 0.01% will be insignificant to a vegan? A vegan! I mean, vegans are uber-sticklers for details. A person can't be "kinda vegan" any more than a woman can be "kinda pregnant." Vegans are the fundamentalist branch of the vegetarian family.

A selling point I can (and do) applaud is the "no animal products or animal testing." Huzzah!

Frankly, I've never put much thought into the chemical composition of lubricant other than ensuring that it's: (a) compatible with my toys, (b) suitable to the planned activity, and (c) safe with latex condoms.

Water-based lubricants are (unless color is added, of course) non-staining. They are also safe to use in any situation, although they will not be effective under water because (duh!) they become diluted in the water. They're also the most compatible with oral sex, because they are easily flavored and can avoid indigestible ingredients (like dimethicone).

The manufacturer's website says "90% of the OTC lubes available are made with chemicals designed first for cars or oven cleaner." Um, so what? Just because Tang was designed for the astronauts doesn't mean it's not drinkable. Okay, bad example... but you get the idea. Innovation is innovation, and finding new uses for existing things is just *grin* innovating.

The site also claims that "all of our lubricants are edible and delicious."

I received the "Almost Naked" flavor to review, which is not available on the Babeland site. While it may be "edible" in the sense that it won't kill you or make you hurl, it's FAR from "delicious." In fact, it's barely tolerable on the taste buds. If I went down on a partner--male or female--who'd been lubed with this product, I'd be unable to hang long enough to give or receive any satisfaction from the activity.

I can't imagine the Lavender Rose being any better. (Who wants to taste a Lavender Rose cock? Really? And a Lavender Rose pussy would be too much like the sachets that my grandmother used to keep in her "unmentionables" drawer. I'll pass!)

The Peppermint (not yet available on the Babeland site) and the Cinnamon Vanilla sound more promising, although they still have to overcome the medicinal taste of aloe, which is a primary ingredient.

As for the lubricant itself, it was gloopier than other water-based products, probably due to the agar. Agar is a gelantinous seaweed derivative that is also used as a laxative and a thickener for soups. (See above re innovation and multiple uses for the same substances.) But, it was satisfactorily slippery through a rather lengthy activity, and cleanup was a breeze. I did not use it internally, however, because it contains glucose. While the benzoic acid is a preservative, I didn't see any reason to invite a yeast infection by putting sugar in my snatch.

One bonus: the aloe left me feeling very, very soft and silky in a place that is very, very soft and silky to begin with. I think this product would make a damned fine massage gel. I'd only use it again for sex if the taste factor wasn't going to *ahem* come into play.

Until next time...

peace & passion,

~ Alessia

Here's what Babeland has to say:

Make your lubricant the flower-infused, healing Good Clean Love—even if your sex is down and dirty! Real herbs and flowers—like cinnamon sticks and whole rosebuds—combine with aloe for a slippery, skin-friendly experience. Try tasty Cinnamon Vanilla or non-irritating Lavender Rose.

• Size: 4 ounces
• Formula Base: Water
• Ingredients/Cinnamon Vanilla: Deionized Water, Agar, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Xanthan Gum, Cinnamomum Cassia Bark, Vanilla Planifolia Fruit, Vegetable Glycerin, Glucose, Lactoperoxidase, Oxidase Glucose, Benzoic Acid
• Ingredients/Lavendar Rose: Deionized Water, Agar, Aloe Barbadensis Leaf Juice, Xanthan Gum, Lavandula Angustifolia (Lavendar), Rosa Damascena Flower, Glucose, Lactoperoxidase, Vegetable Glycerin, Glucose Oxidase, Benzoic Acid