Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Overcoming Masturbation

This is so ludicrous that we just had to repost it. Apologies if it offends anyone's sensibilities. We've added our commentary in [brackets] ...

Overcoming Masturbation

Masturbation is a quickly-forming habit that can adversely affect both men and women of all ages. Despite what some might tell you, masturbation is not harmless. [On the contrary, masturbation is actually HELPFUL. It relieves stress and provides a burst of oxytocin (the nurturing/trust/bonding hormone). That safety valve may actually prevent sex-related violent crime. For women, the uterine contractions during orgasm help keep the endometrium healthy. Plus, masturbation is the safest form of sex known to humankind.] If you are trying to overcome masturbation, be assured that it is possible (even though, like any habit, it may take some work). If you are determined to do it, you will be able to. This page will give you some tips that can help you along the way.

Determination is the first step. That is where we begin. You must decide that you will end this practice, and when you make that decision, the problem will be greatly reduced at once. [Okay, they're trying to control the most powerful force in the universe here (the compulsion to procreate), and they're calling it a "problem." God complex, anyone?]

But it must be more than a hope or a wish, more than knowing that it is good for you. [Because, silly mortals, you can't possibly know what's good for you. You must be told!] It must be actually a DECISION. If you truly make up your mind you will have the strength to resist temptations which will come to you. [Right now, I'm tempted to argue for eugenics. Stop me, Obi Wan!]

After you have made this decision, then observe the following specific guidelines:

  1. Never touch the intimate parts of your body except during normal washing and using the bathroom. [If someone else is handy, let them touch you instead.]
  2. Avoid being alone as much as possible. Find good company and stay in this good company, especially when you are feeling particularly weak. [Hmm... Good company when "weak" (a/k/a horny) would result in fucking, but at least I wouldn't be masturbating!]
  3. If you are associated with other persons having this same problem, YOU MUST BREAK OFF THEIR FRIENDSHIP. Never associate with other people having the same weakness. [Personally, I believe you should do it TOGETHER. Mutual masturbation ROCKS. I'm just sayin'...] Don't suppose that two of you will quit together, you never will. You must get away from people of that kind. Just to be in their presence will keep your problem foremost in your mind. The problem must be taken OUT OF YOUR MIND for that is where it really exists. Your mind must be on other and more wholesome things. [Such as? I've no doubt they have suggestions.]
  4. After you bathe, don't admire yourself in the mirror. [As if.] Stay in the shower just long enough to clean yourself. Then dry off and GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM into a room where you will have some member of your family present. [Oh, like THAT prevents masturbation here in Appalachia. *rolls eyes*]
  5. When in bed (especially if that is where you masturbate), wear pajamas or other clothes so that you cannot easily touch yourself (and so that it would be difficult to remove those clothes. The time it takes to remove your clothing gives additional time to controll your thinking and overcome the temptation). [Um, since when it is necessary to remove one's clothing to wank? Geez! Have these people never rubbed one off in traffic?]
  6. If the temptation seems overpowering while you are in bed, GET OUT OF BED! Go into the kitchen and make a snack, even if it is in the middle of the night, and even if you are not hungry. [Oh, now THAT sounds healthy! Better to be devout and fat, I guess.] The purpose behind this suggestion is that you GET YOUR MIND ON SOMETHING ELSE. You are the subject of your thoughts, so to speak.
  7. Never look at pornography on the internet or elsewhere. [And this makes a difference how, exactly?] Never read about your problem (even on sites claiming to be "educational"). [You mean, like the one where this drivel is posted?] Keep it out of mind. Remember -- "First a thought, then an act." The thought pattern must be changed. You must not allow this problem to remain in your mind. When you accomplish that, you soon will be free of the act. [You mean we'll evolve? Imagine that!]
  8. Put wholesome thoughts into your mind at all times. Read good books, scriptures, talks of church leaders. [Like the church leaders who molest altar boys, perhaps? Yeah, they really set shining examples.] Make a daily habit of reading at least one chapter of Scripture, preferably from one of the four Gospels in the New Testament, or the Book of Mormon. The four Gospels -- Matthew, Mark, Luke and John -- above anything else in the Bible can be helpful because of their uplifting qualities. [I choose Matthew 7:12 and Luke 6:31.]
  9. Pray. But when you pray, don't pray about this problem, for that will tend to keep it in your mind more than ever. Pray for faith, pray for understanding of the Scriptures, pray for members of your family who need help. Pray for your friends, BUT KEEP THE PROBLEM OUT OF YOUR MIND BY NOT MENTIONING IT EVEN IN YOUR PRAYERS. KEEP IT OUT of your mind! The attitude of a person toward his problem has an affect on how easy it is to overcome. [Overcome... over come... such a sexual phrase, innit?] It is essential that a firm commitment be made to control the habit. As a person understands his reasons for the behavior, and is sensitive to the conditions or situations that may trigger a desire for the act, he develops the power to control it.
Wank on, friends! And, please, ENJOY!!!


  1. This makes me ill, which is a shame because I still have a lot of writing to do. This post also gives intelligent Christians a bad name. It doesn't deserve recognition. Intelligent Christians understand that masturbation is fine.

  2. What Jolie said.

    I actually read in a Christian marriage preparation book that a man *should* masturbate before his wedding night to ensure that his new wife will have a good sexual experience and that he won't get off too quick.

    But this post? Hilarious and sad at the same time.